


Variables

by altessah



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I think that Nico drowning would be ironic, I've been writing a lot of Percico lately, M/M, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, and sorta symbolic of their relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 17:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altessah/pseuds/altessah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I’d never thought of drowning as such a horrible way to go, until I found myself twenty feet below the dock, with more water in my lungs than air."</p><p>In which Nico attempts suicide, and the only person who has any chance of changing his mind, is the person Nico wants to see the least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Variables

I’d never thought of drowning as such a horrible way to go, until I found myself twenty feet below the dock, with more water in my lungs than air.

Suffocation. That’s a good synonym for the process of slowly swallowing so much of the sea that your body surrenders and promptly shuts down. Hypothermia. Another wonderful comparison, because it was the middle of winter and the water felt more like ice than ice did.

But I chose it.

My death, I mean. Not the suffocation, or the hypothermia, or the uncomfortably long process that I had hoped would be much quicker. But there were several variables that I hadn’t taken into account when I’d strapped weights to my feet and dropped off the dock to slink below the waves, presumably without anyone else’s knowledge. One was the unpleasantness, another was the cold, and the third was Percy Jackson.

Even through the haze of death, I felt his arm slam into my gut. He started to swim upwards. I felt panic begin to set in, as my heart picked up its pace. _This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to die._ I fought him, kicking his legs and punching his arms, and popping every air bubble he attempted to shape around us. I tried to swallow more water, to speed up the process, but the ocean was his element, more than death was mine. We breached the surface, and my body betrayed me, forcing the water out of my lungs in heavy heaves.

“ _What the hell!_ ” The words erupted like fire and slammed him so hard, he nearly let go of me.

“Nico, I—”

“ _This was not your goddamn business, Percy!_ ”

“Please just—”

“ _Don’t you_ even _start_.” I glared at him as we bobbed above the waves, feeling my hands shake and my heart shudder. Something that felt like a sob was making its way up the back of my throat.

“Nico.” His voice sounded weak compared to his strong arms that were keeping me and the weights from sinking to the ocean floor.

“What.”

His lips trembled as if the words were trying to break through but they couldn’t. His eyes glistened as newly formed tears reflected the minimal light. “I just can’t let you do this,” he admitted finally.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s my fault,” he spat suddenly, his expression flashing with anger. “I snatched you out of your old life. I got your sister killed. I am personally responsible for not taking good enough care of you, and it’s my fault that _you want to die_.” The last few words came out weak and strained, and his voice cracked on the word ‘die.’ Even though the only light came from the shadowed moon overhead, I could see the agony on his face.

It just made me angrier.

The front of his shirt was a wrinkled ball in my hand as I grasped him by the neck and practically yanked his mouth to mine, feeling his surprise and then tasting the salt that might’ve come from the sea or the tears trickling down his cheeks.

It was somewhat of a relief to let it go. All of it. All of the feelings that I hated so much, and the fantasies that seemed to haunt me like nightmares. We both got lost in the night; in the ocean; in each other. In fact, I caught him completely by surprise when I suddenly threw him off me and shot downwards through the water like a stone.

It was perfect. It was resolute. Or at least it would’ve been if I hadn’t woken up sputtering on the dock, cursing his name. My soul was still imprisoned by my own skin; my sight was still trapped behind bars of eyes that were focused on the son of Poseidon who was crouched above me.

“Oh, thank the gods,” he breathed, cupping his hands over his mouth and exhaling slowly.

“I’d rather curse them.”

“Shut up, Nico, just _shut up_ ,” he ordered. “In fact, never speak again unless you’re going to swear on the River Styx that you will never do this to me again.”

“Why would I promise that?” I asked innocently.

“Because, if you leave…” Percy paused for a moment and then swallowed. “If you _die_ , then you’re taking part of me with you; a part of me that _I_ need to survive. And to steal a life other than your own is just plain old cruel.”

I shook my head. “You don’t care about me,” I said maliciously.

He insisted, “I do.”

“No you don’t”

“I can prove it.”

“Then, prove it,” I laughed.

He nearly yanked my hair out when he jolted my head upwards, clasping my chattering jaw with his own quivering hand – pressing his lips to mine with more purpose and more grace than I had done for him. I was cold. He was cold. But the warmth of the moment gave me life. Not a lot, but enough to spark my bones, and ignite something in my gut that was closer to a feeling than anything I’d experienced since she died.

Electricity coursed through me in a wave, bringing movement to my face, my chest, and my fingers, which jolted awake and immediately flew to him. His heartbeat hammered against my palm. I felt his hollow breaths in my fingertips. His eyelids flicked open, revealing sea green irises that were flecked with something deeper than the ocean.

I wasn’t good. I probably wasn’t even okay, but I was better than I had been when I was twenty feet below the dock, with more water in my lungs than air. There were several variables that I hadn’t thought to take into account.

One was pleasantness, another was warmth, and the third was Percy Jackson.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you want to see more of my writing (especially Percico), I've got a PJO fanfiction blog on tumblr -- altessah.tumblr.com :)


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